CW: animal death
I hit a dog last night. It was about an hour after sundown on the outskirts of Paradise; the little guy, no bigger than a cat, was wandering toward me in the road. I braked as much as I could and hoped and hoped it was enough, but I knew. The owner arrived about two minutes later. She was as level-headed as was possible given the situation. On the owner’s request, I took a towel from my car, wrapped up the dog, and carried her to the side of the road. The owner then politely asked me to leave, so I did.
That’s what I’ve been thinking about today. Not feeling, really—the worst of that was last night, and I don’t think the human brain is equipped to fully process death. Today I thought about circumstance, and guilt, and the difference between fault and responsibility. And I thought about the dog.
Beyond that, I don’t think what happened is my story to tell. That right belongs to the family. In deference, I won’t tell today’s story today either. Hug your pets tonight, folks. Even the fish.
Jake, how very much I feel for you. There is no reason to feel guilt or at fault. This was just an unfortunate circumstance that unfolded in front of you and out of your control. You were as responsible as you could be about trying to avoid it and about dealing with it afterwards. The same thing happened to me when I was 20. I was driving my mom home from the doctor’s where she had just been given a shot for a nervous collapse. (She had assumed too much responsibility for a number of upcoming events and had not been able to deal with the stress of it all.) About a block from home a small dog ran out from someone’s front yard. I was going slowly and did not brake and did not steer around the dog, hoping it would stop in time or change direction to avoid the car. But I knew I hit it. My mom asked “What was that?” and I told her I had run over a rock in the road. I was just intent on getting her home as soon as I possibly could and did not want to add any more stress to what she was already dealing with. For months afterwards I avoided that road. I can still see the entire scene unfolding in my mind’s eye. I regret it so much, but it came out of nowhere and I handled it as I saw best at the time. Maybe I did it wrong. I don’t know. Of course I wish it had not happened. I think you are in the right place with how you are dealing with this. You did the best that you could. Love, Grandma
Check out “Starry Messenger: Cosmic Perspectives on Civilization” by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Accidents are, for the most part, unavoidable and dumb critters (whether two-legged or four-legged) just won’t stop being dumb, so you shouldn’t feel too bad. You did the best you could.